Another adoptive momma shared her family's letter to family and friends when they brought their son home from Ethiopia. I thought it was so helpful! So I borrowed some of her ideas and added some of my own, for our family and friends:
Dear
Family & Friends,
After
the last year of waiting, our precious Eli is almost home! We know that each of
you receiving this letter has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us.
Because we know your care for Eli and our family, we want to share with you
some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us
in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically and
spiritually.
In
many ways, Eli will be like the children who entered our family through birth;
we will parent like other Christian families as we bring all of them up in the
instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few, initial
differences. For years now, we have researched bonding and attachment in
children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional
orphanage setting.
We
are confident of this: God’s design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and
children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment
between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or
emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually
mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child
over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is
hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby – which teaches him
that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God’s very design, an emotional
foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning,
conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents
will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children
who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical
attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a
major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Eli’s
parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these
emotional wounds. When Eli comes home, he will be very overwhelmed. He has
spent the majority of his little life in one
room. This type of under-stimulation has set him up to be easily
over-stimulated in new environments.
Because of this, not only will we keep him close to us for the bonding
process, but we will also kind of “cocoon” and stay close to home for a
while.
Everything
around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new
environment, but also about love and family. He has not experienced God’s
design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a
parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed
him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to love deeply, and learn that
parents are to trust. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection.
Once Eli starts to establish this important bond, he will then be able to
branch out to other, healthy relationships.
Eli
will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close
proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and
thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction
from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help
him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why
are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and
vital role in helping our Eli settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the
future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The
first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit
what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Eli. This will (for
a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children
from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone –
which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing
kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Eli should know
that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted friends.
Another
area is redirecting Eli’s desire to have his physical and emotional needs met
by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so
many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming
toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit
indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may
appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually quite
dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have
snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand
that we want nothing more than to have Eli hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL
of you (he’s totally irresistible and huggable). But until he has a firm
understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you
direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We
would also really appreciate your continued love and attention towards
Johnathan and Tenleigh. They, too,
will be going through major changes when Eli joins us. {And they’re pretty remarkable kids
too! J}
We
know that we may get many questions from others about Eli. Please understand that most of his
history will be kept in the quiet of our hearts and Eli will choose
when/if/with whom he wants to share when he’s older. But we are so proud to share that Eli will be 16 months old
when he comes home! He’s from Ethiopia. J He’s very loved! J
We
are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask
for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious Eli and
our entire family. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past
year. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
We
love you all,
Ryan
& Katie (and Johnathan, Tenleigh, & Eli!)
