"Mommy... I love you"

Uff.... I'm tired tonight!  My eyes are tired, my body is tired, my whole being is just simply tired.  Ryan was gone this weekend... not really a big deal, that happens once in awhile.  But seriously, every time he is gone, I think "God bless the single parents of the world!!"

It's so goofy because it always seems as though when Ryan is gone, all kinds of things fall apart: the laundry routine (but that's not so unique to days when Ryan is gone :), the van starts making a weird noise, a million little ants find their way into the house, cats are puking, dogs are pooping, kids aren't sleeping, milk is gone!

Sometimes I feel so inadequate as a mommy.  I sometimes struggle to keep up with everything, and keep the peace at home.  Our little Tenleigh has been going through a bit of a power struggle since she was born for quite some time now.  It starts soon after she wakes up and presents itself throughout the day until she's "out for the count."  Johnathan is going through a new stage of testing his boundaries too.  We hear "No!" or sassy tones from him sometimes too.  I pray for patience often!  Mom tells me, "This too shall pass..." :)

The sweetest sounds of the day though, usually come up when we've finished our bedtime routine and Ryan & I make our way back downstairs.  No more than 2 minutes after leaving the kids' bedrooms we hear little Tenleigh holler out:

"Mommy... I wuv you."

"I love you too, Tenleigh."

"Good night, Mom!"

"Good night."

[1 minute later....]

"I wuv you tso tso mutts Mom"

"I love you so so much too, Tenleigh."

And this little routine will continue on until she literally talks herself to sleep.  Tonight was a little different.  She said her tummy hurt, so I told her to close her eyes. (Really creative, I know.) She told me it wasn't working, so I told her to close her eyes and talk to Jesus.

"Where is he, Mom? I can't find him!" (and yes, she's hollering down the stairs)

Johnathan hollers out from his bedroom... (poor kid... probably wonders why we go through this hollering routine every night. It's just like the Waltons!)... "He's in your heart!"

Thank you, Jesus, for once again speaking to me through my children!  I pray that I never forget the sounds of their tiny little voices.  The sweetness, the realness in their tones.  Full of trust and love.  Help me, Lord, to do the right thing each day in my parenting, and to love each of my children out of YOUR love and not my own.

Adoption Process Update!

We are frequently asked, "How's the adoption thing going?"  And my answer is usually, "We're in wait mode."

Well, we still are in wait mode, but we're getting closer to getting our stuff ready for Haiti!  In less than 2 weeks we will meet with our home study social worker for one last time  When she has our home study completed (which is about 12 pages in length), we then get to take it to St. Paul with our dossier documents (ready to go!) to be state authenticated, and legalized.  Then we send everything off to be translated into French, and then sent off to the Haitian Embassy in Chicago.  It needs to be approved in the US first (which typically takes 4-6 weeks I guess), and THEN we get to send it to Haiti. Uffda, this is a long process!!

Once in Haiti we will wait for a referral and a presidential dispensation.  That could potentially be the very very long part. :(

We received a newsletter last week from our orphanage in Haiti.  They currently have 65 children waiting for a family.  Oh these little ones are just precious!!  Each child is pictured with his/her name.  It's amazing to think that we could possibly be looking at the face of our little one and not even know it yet!

Kindred Spirits

My very first musical was Anne of Green Gables.  I was Plessa Treis.  Pretty sure the directors made up this character for me so that I could participate! :) I was 12 years old I think; terribly shy, chubby and awkward in a "I wear my mom's clothes" sort of way.  (Bet you have a really good picture of me in your mind, huh!? :) But that first summer musical was the beginning of me finding some self-confidence and a love for music and literature.

One of the songs from that musical was called "Kindred Spirits."  I remember shortly after the musical I had a nice visit with one of my grandma Lois' very special friends, who was quite a gifted writer.  She found out that I was in Anne of Green Gables (one of her favorite book series) and that I, too, liked to write. So we began writing to each other on occasion.  She called me her Kindred Spirit.

I'm not exactly sure what a Kindred Spirit is... but I think of it as someone with whom I feel a special bond. Or perhaps a Kindred Spirit is someone for whom I feel a tug at my heart...

Chavane ~Chavane is working hard to finish school and take care of his newborn baby girl.  He would like to go to university and eventually start his own business.

Elinord ~ Elinord is a single mother of two who has suffered much in life including being the victim of domestic abuse.  She is currently homeless and trying to save enough money to rent a home. She is one of the hardest working women in the program and is extremely intelligent with so much potential!

Jano ~ Jano is a new father of a brand new baby girl.  After the earthquake Jano was living in a tent, but through hard work as the AP security guard, he was able to rent a house.  he continues to show his determination to work hard through the jewelry he makes on the evenings and weekends.

Adline ~ Adline is a single mother of a beautiful 4 year old daughter.  She is always full of joy and hopes to use her earnings to take care of her mother and buy a house someday.

Mikerlson ~ Mikerlson lost his mother and four brothers and sisters in the earthquake.  He would like to use his earnings to help his father rebuild their home and finish his education.

Joseph ~ Joseph is a loving father of two.  He has been living with his wife and children in a tent now for over a year.  He would like to use his earnings to save enough money to rent a house and take care of his family.

Dina ~ Dina, her husband, and two kids are currently living in a tent.  She is hoping to use her earnings to rent a home and send her kids to school.

These little bios are from the AP jewelry tags that are attached to each piece of jewelry.  I will probably never meet any of these Kindred Spirits.  They live and work 2,186 miles away.  They live in a world I can only imagine from hearing others' stories and seeing pictures.  I live in a world they can only imagine from hearing others' stories and seeing pictures.

But they are most definitely my Kindred Spirits. They touch me in ways that no one else ever has, and I believe that God has brought them to me.

Birth Days.

Three days ago our family celebrated our sweet Johnathan's 5th birthday.  He was born on Good Friday, and he turned 5 on Good Friday! :)  It was a beautiful day 5 years ago, and it was a fun, special day three days ago!

As we celebrated Johnathan's birthday, I couldn't help but find myself also thinking of two other people that God will be bringing into my life: my sweet child in Haiti and his/her birth mom.

I often wonder if God has brought our little one into this side of heaven yet.  I totally believe that God is building our family through adoption, and that He has already chosen our little one for us.  My mind is so curious about him/her and I can't help but smile to think of who God has created him/her to be!
But.... my heart is with our child's birth mother so often.  So often.  God has already brought her here to this side of heaven.  He has already written part of her story.

I am a birth mother.  I know the joy and pain of child birth.  I know the immediate bond between mother and baby, and the miracle of pregnancy.  I'm sure that most moms can relate to my feelings of pure, immediate, unconditional love for my babies.  My children's birthdays always make me reminisce their arrivals.  Giving birth was an awesome experience for me.  I didn't have an epidural with Johnathan; and while at the time of "raw" pain all I could think of was Johnny Cash's song "Ring of Fire" :) , I am now so thankful to have experienced childbirth so completely.  Johnathan was healthy, beautiful, perfect. His skin felt just like reaching into a bin of flour (I'll never forget that!), hearing him cry was the BEST sound in the world, and holding him was bliss.  I was in such awe at how he immediately knew how to nurse and felt comfort in hearing my voice. My family waited joyously in the hospital waiting room for HOURS! And my Ryan was the proudest daddy in the world and couldn't take his eyes off little Johnathan.  I was completely smitten for my 8 lb. 14 oz. little miracle.  I knew I would give my life for him.

I may not ever know the circumstances of Baby Haiti's birth.  I may never know anything about Baby's birth mom, or her decision to release her child.  Was she alone? Where did she go through labor and delivery? What is engrained in her memories of childbirth? Did she hold her baby? Smell her baby? Nurse her baby? Did she love on her baby for several weeks or even several months?

I believe it is the Holy Spirit nudging me to pray when I have a constant "train track" of thoughts going through my mind.  Birth mom is on my mind.  Birth days are on my mind.

"Lord, give me the words to speak when my child from Haiti wants and needs answers, and I have none. Give me empathy and forgiveness if I should learn of not-so-awesome circumstances and feel disbelief or anger.  Help me to be humble in raising Your child, while his/her first Mommy is not able to.  Guide me and equip me.  Be with me.  Give me peace."

And for our baby's birth mom, whom I already love...

"Lord, bless her and keep her.  Make Your face shine upon her and be gracious unto her.  Lift up Your countenance upon her and grant her peace."

Amen.