Waiting.

We're only about 5 weeks into this waiting game, and already I'm feeling antsy.  Not antsy like "When is this going to end!?" But antsy like, "I wonder where our little one is right now?"  Maybe I should call it 'unsettled' rather than 'antsy'.

I can accept that we have at least four more months of waiting until we receive a referral. There's nothing I can do to change that.  But what isn't easy for me is thinking about WHERE our little one is, WHO he/she is with, HOW he/she is doing, WHAT they're doing, etc.  The little details are tough to think about... and yet I can't seem to 'turn off' the thoughts of those little details.

Tonight as I snuggled Johnathan and Tenleigh at bedtime I couldn't help but look at their sweet facial features in wonder.  I'm sure every momma has done this a million times over.  I never grow tired of looking at their faces.  Tenleigh's 'big blues' get bigger and more beautiful each year I think. Her eye lashes get darker, and many of her facial expressions remind me of my own.  Johnathan's eye lashes reach straight up to the heavens, and his skin is still as perfectly fair and soft as the day he was born.  They both have Ryan's eyes and my nose.  Tenleigh has my skin tone and sweet tooth (!), and Johnathan is a carbon copy of Ryan through-and-through.  For the first time I am starting to wonder what our Little Opia might look like.  Does he have his daddy's mouth? Or his mommy's eye lashes? Does she have her mommy's black curls or her hands?  Who is looking in wonder at our Little Opia right now?  Who is kissing those sweet cheeks in the morning and taking in the smell of a little one that's just woken up?  My eyes fill with tears when I think of these details... but I just can't turn them off.  Our caseworker cautioned us to "guard our hearts" until Baby Opia is truly, legally, "ours."  I'm obviously stinking at that right now!

I have a strong sense that our little one is on this side of heaven now.  As we chug along, it's been really interesting for me to experience so many different emotions.  I wonder if there's any significance to the timing of my emotions.  Perhaps I will understand some day...

Johnathan's birthday month of April was a significant time for me I think.  For some reason it was a time of really thinking hard about "birth" days... my children's "birth" days, and the day of Momma Ethiopia birthing 'our' child.  I found myself wondering about those little details of Baby Opia's debut into this world... details I may not ever know. (See April's post: "Birth Days")

And the month of October and into November was an emotional time for me too.  Sending off our dossier stirred up sadness and grief for our child's birth family.  Grief over their incredible loss, in our incredible gain.  The real and raw love that I feel for birth momma, and how significant she is to my heart.  Forever attached to her.  There can not be one without the other.

And now... as I feel such a "longing" for our child.  For the details.  The sounds, the smells, the looks...

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their second baby any day!!  This is hugely awesome for our family.   Talk about waiting!  This is not easy for me! :) I know my sister will again relish in the joys of her baby's sounds, and smells, and facial expressions.  Mommas do not forget those details.    My heartstrings hurt for those details.  But they will come.


John 14:18... "I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you."

Praise God that there will be 147 million orphans minus one.