Let's Get Real, Shall We?

I like to believe that most people think I'm a nice person.  I want to be honest and good. I try to be a friend to all.  I try to 'keep myself and all that I believe in' -- that's what my daddy told me when I left for college. :)  Ryan says I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and "what you see is what you get" with me. {I hope that's a good thing!? :)}  But Ryan will also tell you that I'm the most feisty, stubborn person that he knows.

And so, when it comes to advocating for kids, I'm as real and raw and bold as they get.  And I'm thinking that he's referring to some of these times in which I must have let my feisty really shine through.  (wink!)  I have a hard time holding my tongue on some things.  Like for example, when we've passed a car with babies in the back seat and the adult(s) in the front seat are smoking with no windows rolled down.  Ryan loves it (read with sarcasm) when I roll my window down, point to the backseat babies, and make choking gestures and shout at them to put out their cigarettes.  He also loved the time I walked up to a stranger in a parking lot because I noticed that her very young toddler was climbing around the back seat (while the car was driving), completely not buckled up -- not even a carseat in the car.  And so, when I asked her if she needed help getting a carseat for her child, and her response was less-than-ideal... as in "Scr*# you, *&%$#".... I used my "Mandated Reporter" title to call her in.

Now please don't misunderstand me.  I don't enjoy being a toughie, I don't jump to conclusions and flip out on people.  I don't lose my cool easily.  BUT, I make no qualms when it comes to taking care of children.

Earlier this week our adoption agency shared some information in regards to children in our world.  The information angers me.  It pierces my gut and makes my head spin.  It makes me realize that there's more I should be doing.  In mid-December the U.S Government released the following:

• 400 million children live in extreme poverty 

• 7 million children will die this year before their 5th birthday 

• 135 million orphans, of which 17-18 million have no living parents 

• 1.8 million children are involved in sex trafficking 

• 5.4 million children are involved in forced labor

And from another blog in which I love to immerse myself (www.aholyexperience.com), Ann Voskamp shared this week that "if only 8 percent of Christians would care for just one more child, there wouldn’t be any orphans or needy children left."  

One of the most common questions we receive from people about our adoption is something along the lines of  "How much does that cost?" or comments shared such as "Oh I bet that's expensive...." Such an awkward feeling.  How in the world should I respond to that??  When I was pregnant with Johnathan and Tenleigh I was never asked what I expected my hospital bills to be.  Sometimes I believe that it's coming from people that are genuinely interested in learning more about adoption.  But coming from my dental hygienist? Not so much.  So here's the real and raw of my personal feelings in regards to adoption cost.  

I am sad to hear that less than 5% of people that consider adoption actually follow through with it because of cost.   I know that it is not easy to pull together all the needed funds; and Satan is very good at planting seeds of doubt and fear.  However, I am thankful that our adoption fees are being used to care for the children in the orphanages, pay for the orphanage staff, etc.  Must we really put a "cost" on love? Jesus paid the ultimate for us.  We have already been completely bought and paid for.  Ryan and I are adopting because 1) We knew we wanted to grow our family 2) God was very clear that this was the way He wanted us to grow, and 3) I feel a sense of responsibility -- as a mother, and as a Christian, to DO SOMETHING about this orphan crisis.  

I love Voskamp's reminder in her January 23rd post: "Love is the only thing that ever changed me — and Love is the only thing that will ever change the world — and love is the thing that is the real radical."

I will be praying for that "real radical" right where I am... until I am leaving on a jet-plane, straight to my Baby Opia.  And Lord help me never to lose my "real radical" upon return.

"Loving first and foremost Christ. Loving the people here, loving the people there, just loving everywhere.  Love has no limits and love can’t be contained and when we have a radical love for God, God takes care of the location of where that love goes."  - Ann Voskamp

Amen to that!

"I know."

"After 49, then what?"

"50!"

(quiet whispers to self)

"After 59, then what?"

"60"

"60 - 61 - 62 - 63 - 64 - 65 ...... Sixty-NIIIIIIIIIIINE"

"Then what!?"

That's my girl.... apparently counting herself to sleep tonight. :)  And that's my boy... who hardly ever loses patience with his sister; helping her along at every ten, shouting his encouragement to her through the dark from his bedroom next door.  As crazy as it can sometimes feel, I really do love these sweet little exchanges.  I love their conversations, their little voices, the way their minds process things in the quiet of the night.

It's crazy what comes to mind in the quiet of the night.

While snuggling my kiddos at bedtime, it sometimes (almost always) happens that I fall asleep right beside them... while they're still wide awake of course; but completely squished on their beds full of stuffed animals and twisted blankets.  {And if you're Tenleigh, your bed also houses books, hair accessories, random articles of clothing, and something-or-another that belongs to Momma.  Tonight she chose a banana clip (who still has banana clips!?) from my bathroom drawer, and in return stuffed a small lamb down my sweatshirt that I have been ordered to sleep with.}

I started to doze off.  And my mind wandered to Baby Opia.  I tried to picture a face, smooth skin, little body...  but nothing.  Strange sadness.

When I was pregnant, my belly swelled.  I had 'check-points' with my doctor.  I read books that shared what was happening at certain weeks of the pregnancy.  I had a due date.  But with Baby Opia, we have nothing.  We have a "Dossier to Ethiopia" date.

I imagine Johnathan and Tenleigh on the other side of the world.  Without us.  Without a home.  And for some reason I get this terrible vision of them standing in cribs with expression-less faces. It kills me to think about.  (Where is THIS coming from!?)  And then I realize, that my third child IS that child.  Without us.  Without a home. Ugh. And it sickens me that I can't see a face.  I don't know WHO my baby is.

And then BAM, my eyes opened wide with these words in my head: "I know."

And there it is. Peace on my heart.  Because God said right then and there, "I KNOW, Katie."  "I know your child.  I am with your child.  Your child is mine."

That's all I really need to know.

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.  Luke 12:7

Happy New Year!

It's been 2 months since we sent off our dossier to Ethiopia.  Time to get crackin' on some of our To-Do list!  Ryan and I have been brainstorming what needs to get done sooner than later; for sure within 3 months time:

* Find an international travel clinic and schedule our vaccines

* Complete our last hours of training -- I think it's 10 more hours each

* Contact a travel agency that specializes in adoption travel -- we need to get a ball park figure for travel costs

* Renew my passport (mine expires in May!)

Hopefully none of this will be too difficult to complete!  We're getting excited about our upcoming trip to Ethiopia.  Not exactly sure when the first trip will be, but we're guessing this summer some time.  It will be here before we know it though!


In the meantime, before things get really exciting on the adoption front,  I am finding gratitude in the 'mundane' parts of my life...

* Our never-ending loads of laundry -- thank you, Lord, for my beautiful, healthy children with constantly dirty clothes.  This can only mean that they were active and learning today!  Yesterday one of my brother's confirmation students lost her life to Influenza A.  I'm sure Carly's parents would give anything to have to wash up her laundry again and again.

* A sometimes crazy schedule that requires much coordination between Ryno and I... especially when he travels as often as he does.  But thank you, Lord, for a partner through these days.  Dana and Daryl -- always in my heart and on my mind.

* A dozen often loud and always active kindergarteners that constantly need to rub my arms or legs, run their fingers through my hair, be the first to sit by me, or "whisper" at 100 decibels right in my ear. :) But thank you, Lord, for allowing me the gift of receiving the most genuine, sincere, and innocent love of all -- right from a child.

* Unexpected expenses always seem to happen at once: a medical bill, new microwave, furnace repair, replace headlights on both vehicles ... these can only mean that our "things" are well-used.  Thank you, Lord, for these conveniences!

* And tonight -- abs that are killing me -- thanks to great friends that continue to motivate me and inspire me to 'push on' for a "Hot Bod" in 2013! :)  Thank you, Lord, for my strong healthy body.  May I use it to glorify You.


Blessings in 2013, my friends!

Waiting.

We're only about 5 weeks into this waiting game, and already I'm feeling antsy.  Not antsy like "When is this going to end!?" But antsy like, "I wonder where our little one is right now?"  Maybe I should call it 'unsettled' rather than 'antsy'.

I can accept that we have at least four more months of waiting until we receive a referral. There's nothing I can do to change that.  But what isn't easy for me is thinking about WHERE our little one is, WHO he/she is with, HOW he/she is doing, WHAT they're doing, etc.  The little details are tough to think about... and yet I can't seem to 'turn off' the thoughts of those little details.

Tonight as I snuggled Johnathan and Tenleigh at bedtime I couldn't help but look at their sweet facial features in wonder.  I'm sure every momma has done this a million times over.  I never grow tired of looking at their faces.  Tenleigh's 'big blues' get bigger and more beautiful each year I think. Her eye lashes get darker, and many of her facial expressions remind me of my own.  Johnathan's eye lashes reach straight up to the heavens, and his skin is still as perfectly fair and soft as the day he was born.  They both have Ryan's eyes and my nose.  Tenleigh has my skin tone and sweet tooth (!), and Johnathan is a carbon copy of Ryan through-and-through.  For the first time I am starting to wonder what our Little Opia might look like.  Does he have his daddy's mouth? Or his mommy's eye lashes? Does she have her mommy's black curls or her hands?  Who is looking in wonder at our Little Opia right now?  Who is kissing those sweet cheeks in the morning and taking in the smell of a little one that's just woken up?  My eyes fill with tears when I think of these details... but I just can't turn them off.  Our caseworker cautioned us to "guard our hearts" until Baby Opia is truly, legally, "ours."  I'm obviously stinking at that right now!

I have a strong sense that our little one is on this side of heaven now.  As we chug along, it's been really interesting for me to experience so many different emotions.  I wonder if there's any significance to the timing of my emotions.  Perhaps I will understand some day...

Johnathan's birthday month of April was a significant time for me I think.  For some reason it was a time of really thinking hard about "birth" days... my children's "birth" days, and the day of Momma Ethiopia birthing 'our' child.  I found myself wondering about those little details of Baby Opia's debut into this world... details I may not ever know. (See April's post: "Birth Days")

And the month of October and into November was an emotional time for me too.  Sending off our dossier stirred up sadness and grief for our child's birth family.  Grief over their incredible loss, in our incredible gain.  The real and raw love that I feel for birth momma, and how significant she is to my heart.  Forever attached to her.  There can not be one without the other.

And now... as I feel such a "longing" for our child.  For the details.  The sounds, the smells, the looks...

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their second baby any day!!  This is hugely awesome for our family.   Talk about waiting!  This is not easy for me! :) I know my sister will again relish in the joys of her baby's sounds, and smells, and facial expressions.  Mommas do not forget those details.    My heartstrings hurt for those details.  But they will come.


John 14:18... "I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you."

Praise God that there will be 147 million orphans minus one.

If Walls Could Talk

"I miss Baby Opia, Mom.  This is such a long, long time!"  -- Tenleigh  (Randomly while we were driving in the van today.)

Yes, little one, this wait is such a long, long time! But wow(!) both of our kiddos have done an amazing job of just "going with it".  I'm sure this process feels like an eternity to them, since we started a year ago almost, and with another country.  And I'm sure it's been confusing at times too.  But,  I'm starting to see and hear some new things that just may mean that God is starting to prepare their little hearts in new ways too.

Johnathan has been talking about his "brother or sister from Ethiopia" with his Kindergarten pals during class. (It helps to be his Kindergarten teacher -- I get to hear all kinds of conversation!) Our classroom put together shoeboxes (13 of them! yay Kindergarteners! Squeeze my heart!) for Operation Shoebox a few weeks ago.  We looked at a big wall map of all of the possible places in which our boxes may go.  Among the countries, I pointed out Africa.  Johnathan immediately shared that "Ethiopia is in Africa." (and he pointed to it) "That's where my baby brother or baby sister is."  And then another little Kinder said, "yeah they have brown skin there."  "Yeah."

And each and every night we pray for our Little Opia and the sweet words of my littles just come so naturally. (Well - most of the time!  Tenleigh's get a little interesting, but Johnathan stays pretty focused) :)  Nothing makes my heart swell like hearing my children pray.  Straight from their hearts to the heavens -- and to a God that no doubt has a great sense of humor and loves these littles more than I ever could.

Tenleigh has two little friends who will also soon have a brother from Ethiopia.  I often wonder if they have connected-the-dots between "Hey! Your mommy and my mommy are friends!" to "You're in my preschool class!" to "Hey you're at my house now!" to "We're getting a baby from Africa too!!" I wonder what those conversations would sound like? :)

It is so surreal to think that in a matter of months, we may finally be a family of 5.  That means that Ryno and I will be out-numbered! Yikes. :)  But in the meant time, I love to watch my children think about and share about our Little Opia.

Yesterday I Chased You...

My sweet Baby Opia,

Momma's heart has had such peace the last few weeks... I am so grateful.  God knew my heart was really hurting for your birth momma and your whole birth family; and it kind of put me in a 'funk' for a while.  But now, He has given me new joys while I think of you and wait for you!

This weekend was full of many joys... Thanksgiving... Daddy's favorite!  And lots of family time, and Christmas shopping... and Tenleigh's birthday party!  Little Tenleigh... the spunkiest, sassiest little soon-to-be 4 year old, with the BIGGEST heart!  She makes my heart just swell!

The 4 of us went to the YMCA yesterday.  During my time of wait and preparation for you I have challenged myself to get into shape!  I try really hard not to miss any work out opportunities.  As we were getting ready I asked your sister what she likes to do at Kid Stuff.

"Do you like to play with the baby dolls?"

"Not anymore, Mom."

"Why not anymore?"

"They're not there anymore.  They moved them."

"They moved them?  Where'd they move them to?"

"They went to Minneassandlips."

Read that again. Slowly. :)

Minneassandlips.

Mini Ass and Lips.  I died of laughter inside.  Tenleigh's sweet, innocent attempt at "Minneapolis".

And before I knew it, I replied with: "I want to go there too!" :D  (I mean let's get real... who DOESN'T want to go to Minneassandlips when you have a Get-In-Shape goal like mine!?)

And so, my sweet Opia, yesterday I chased you.

As I ran on that treadmill and wanted so desperately to stop and call it "good enough"... I kept on running!  I thought of the "Special Mommies" that are taking care of you.  I prayed and I prayed that they're able to respond to your cries. I prayed that you still do cry to get what you want and need.  I prayed for your little body, that it will stay strong and healthy.  I prayed for your tender heart, that it be protected.  I prayed for your little crib mates, play mates, and volunteers.  I prayed for your orphanage and I prayed for all the people that will be reviewing our dossier and translating it.

Yesterday I chased you, sweet one.

And I know there will be many more times for me to chase you... between now, in my heart and mind,  and the first moment we get to chase you in our own backyard.

But for now... I wait.  I pray.  And apparently I even run (!)...  until the day we can finally say, "GOTCHA!!"

On the Waiting List!

... seems like we've been on this path FOR. EV. ER.  But now we've FINALLY rounded that corner, and there is LIGHT at the END of the tunnel!!

Our dossier was finally shipped off to Ethiopia 2 days ago... which put us on the Waiting List 3 days ago apparently.  It is such a great feeling to be done with the big responsibilities of that dossier. That was a beast.  We do still have 10 hours each of more training to do before we can travel, but I'm banking on at least 6 months to get those done.

For a number of weeks I was experiencing such grief in this process.  Grieving mostly for our child's birth family, but also grief in the fact that there will be some things that we won't be able to give him/her.  Birth momma really rocks my world.  But... I realized that this past week I started to feel peace!  I was finding myself feeling excitement again in this process.  And as I was telling my dear friend Esther, it's not like I lost excitement... but the grief was more at the forefront than joy for our family.  I'm hoping that because my heart feels peace, God is also putting peace on birth family's hearts.

I am now thinking of some of those fun, practical ways of getting ready for a new little: get some house projects done, re-paint the guest room (which will become baby's room -- but will have to wait until we know gender), dig out baby clothes (again, will have to wait until gender known), do some special  outings as a family of 4, run a 5K!???? What in the world!? Yes, re-read that last one. Run a 5K.

One of my awesome friends asked me to do it, and because she's always been a cheerleader for me in more ways than one, I said "Okay, sure."  But here's the thing: I don't run. Like, ever.  But, if you read a previous post, I have big dreams of being a fit mommy when we travel to Ethiopia and giving myself some precious time now, so... a 5K it is!  Crazy.  But, Ryno is so very supportive and is very happy to help 'fill in the gaps' on the home front for me so that I can do this.  Bless his heart, he will be doing lots of pick-up runs for the kids, meal preps, and taking them to/from a few activities in the week for me.  He's always been very hands-on so I know it'll go great... I just need to be okay with not doing all-of-the-above, and that may be hard for me.

And so, in this season of wait... I actually have much to do and think about and prepare for and pray about!