Happy Birthday, Eli!!

Sweet Boy,

Yesterday was your 1st birthday! And while we weren't able to celebrate WITH you, we had a lot of fun celebrating FOR you!

Some of our closest friends came over and we enjoyed pizza, cake (compliments of one of my kindergarten families!), ice cream, and treat bags!  We celebrated with smiles, laughter and prayers just for you!!

You are so loved, Eli!!

 

          Tenleigh is very excited about her treat bag!

Johnny with a mouthful of treats!

             

Ethiopia's flag colors!

Frosting our Africa-shaped cookies.

            

Tenleigh's cookie!

I love this picture! 3 peas in a pod -- and 1 "cool dude"

His Timing is Perfect...

It is not circumstantial, ironic, convenient, or seasonal.

His timing is simply perfection …  as in, to the exact MILLISECOND.  He leaves nothing out.  His attention to detail is amazing.

You know, when we received our referral in July we pretty much knew that there was 1 particular Ethiopian government letter and signature that would need to be added to our file before time of court.  Our wait for this letter was the most nauseating roller-coaster ride I've ever been on.  Go -- Stop.  Yes -- No.  I'm Hopeful -- I'm Not.  I'm at Peace -- I'm Anxious.  You get the picture.  It was like this for me for 7 months.  And during this whole time of course, my main thoughts were centered around Eli.  We wanted so badly to know him before his 1st birthday (which is next Friday!).  I wanted my maternity leave timing to work out conveniently with my teaching schedule.  The pictures of him growing and changing each month have been celebrated by us over and over -- and yet, each one leaves me hurting because I'm missing his milestones, his personality, his growth.   You maybe have noticed that this wait has become "all about me".  It has been about what I want, what I desire, what I think should happen and when.  And while I KNOW that God has been working and doing and I've been really leaning into Him for hope and faith and patience -- there's just no way that I could have ever guessed how perfectly timed His works have been.  Nor could I have ever guessed the work that He was doing...

I have a very special friend; I'll call her "S".  S has been through far too much heartache in the last few years.  And because of these heartaches, her relationship with Jesus has gone through some seasons.  Her season this year has been much like our Minnesota winter.  Cold with teases of sun, gusty winds that keep us inside, and dips of frigid temps that last way too long and literally leave us "frozen".  But the latter part of this season for her has been as bright as our days when the sun is bouncing off of our pure white snow.  Fairly recently I was with S on one of these days.  We were outside with our kids and I could barely keep my eyes open!  If you're from the Midwest you can appreciate just how bright the snow is when the sun bounces off of it.  It's hard to see on these days.  I couldn't see beyond a few feet in front of me.  But S is much smarter than I.  She had her Songlasses on.

And again she did just 2 days ago when my Songlasses were clouded over with the fog of despair and desperation, tears and frustration and worry.  I couldn't see far beyond "me".  The week before I was feeling such peace and surrender to God's timing and God's will.  But this week once again was just so much harder for me. So I committed myself to being very intentional about tuning in to God's works:

So on Monday, Esther (one of my very best friends and also going through adoption) and I committed to send daily scripture verses to each other, prayer requests, and encouragement.  Nancy (my very special on-line adoptive momma friend) and I determined that we were not going to call or email our agency with inquiries about our letters but rather we'd just wait to hear from them.

I also received some awesome "God winks" this week.  I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn on Tuesday (as in 3:30 am) and found 2 wonderful messages from Ann Voskamp in my Facebook feed.  And on Wednesday my heart was overflowing with love and joy as I sang praise and worship songs with my kindergarteners and other children at our Learning Center during our children's chapel time. There is NOTHING as healing as hearing children sing (read: shout!) these lyrics with SUCH JOY:

"You are the way, the truth and the life.  We live by faith and not by sight…"
"He knows me.  He loves me.  God is listening.  He knows every word before I even say it.  He hears every prayer before I even pray it."
"God is watching, watching over you.  24/7, watching over you.  Your life is in His hands.  He's got great big plans 'cuz he's watching over you."
"Joy unspeakable that won't go away, and just enough strength to live through today.  So I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring.  Cuz my faith is on solid rock and I am counting on God."
"Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged.  For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

We returned from Chapel at about 10:15 and lo and behold, our agency had just emailed that they had received our needed signature. !!! I could.not.even.  COULD.NOT.EVEN!!

Now I need to take you back to my dear friend, S.  I texted her to let her know about this amazingly good news.  Every day for the last several months she has asked about our letter and given me much encouragement in this wait.  Her reply back to me put me in tears and nearly made me drop to my knees.  You see, she went "back to Jesus" the night before and that morning -- PRAYING for us and Eli, BELIEVING SOMETHING IN HER SOUL that she hadn't believed in a very long time.  My friends, I whole-heartedly believe that God was waiting to hear from HER.  My very special friend, whose faith has been understandably shaken -- He was working in HER, through our little adoption journey.  THIS is why we were waiting so long.

And as I told S, I would wait forever if it meant someone found rest in Jesus again.

I share this story with S's permission.  But I am still marveling in awe of God's perfect timing.  He leaves absolutely nothing out.  S's part of our journey is the true miracle in this story.  What a privilege to witness and be in it.

MOWA, Measles, and Moping… OH MY!!

I have sort of been putting off another blog post, because I don't really have anything new to share.  Still waiting on our MOWA letter (it's been a 7 month wait for us thus far) -- and that's needed in order to submit for court.  As soon as we receive it we'll finally be submitted!  For the last month we've been hearing, "this week -- " "next week -- "  We were even given the word "promise" last week, which is a really BIG word to use in the adoption world.  But alas, no letter. :(  I have really been hoping and praying that by some miracle we'd make it to court in March, but I'm not feeling very confident in this any longer. :(  Eli's 1st birthday is March 7th.   I SO wanted to be there around his birthday, to celebrate him and shower love on him.  I guess I can find gratitude in the fact that he knows no different.  I'd rather my heart hurt than his.  But this whole MOWA deal feels likes a big mess, and it leaves me mopey.

So while I'm at it, I'll just mope about a few more things  -- we found out today that Eli has measles.  Good grief.  I can hardly allow myself to think about it too much because I just picture his discomfort and I'm not there to help him through it.  Not to mention there are 11 other little ones in his care center that also contracted measles!  So I'm sure that the nannies really have their hands full!  I will be praying for Eli and his little friends, and all of those caregivers!

February is historically the shortest month -- but I'm telling you, it's been never-ending for me.  My head is stuck in the clouds, my heart is across the Atlantic, and my spirit has been feeling a little deflated.  Much of it, of course, is in relation to Eli and our wait to get to him.  We're SO close (as in relatively few steps to complete) -- but it's sure taking a long time to complete them! But the other part of it is in relation to the state of international adoption right now.  I have read about and heard about enough stories lately that have literally drained the blood from my face and made my jaw drop.  And yet, I almost feel a bit numb to it all too -- because pretty soon -- story after story, the red tapes to go through and hoops to jump, the political agendas, and power trips of government officials and adults -- it sort of becomes 1 big blur. When does it all stop?

So the Lord and I have had a number of conversations lately. :)  Some have been desperate pleas, others have been just tears and no words.  I am SO ready to be on the other side of this.

But here's the thing:  I really don't think I ever will be.  I don't think that I'll be done with my fight for orphan justice when Eli is finally home.  There is a "holy anger" rising up in me, and I know that it will push me forward into action.  I'm really passionate about a special maternity home in Ethiopia and I'm excited to be a part of that.  Part of me is somewhat nervous for our travels to Ethiopia because I'm sure my heart will not want to leave.  When I first prayed the words, "Unsettle me, Lord" so long ago -- I really had no idea what I was saying. And wouldn't you know -- God listened to my prayer and here I am, feeling very unsettled.  Not because of anything that we're waiting on, or the desires of our own hearts.  But because of what I've seen, learned, heard, and experienced through this call to adopt.  I am very unsettled, and I give Thanks for that every day.

On a fun note, Ryan has finished Eli's bedroom!  He worked really hard on that the last month.  I'm so proud of him and the effort he put into it.  I guess this was maybe his way of passing through this time too.  When all of the pictures are up on the walls and the furniture is in I'll post some pictures! :)  I absolutely love it and I can't wait to add laughter, baby squeals, snuggles, story time, wrestling, and messes to the room too.

It Arrived!!

Uffda -- I tell you.  Waiting for that PAIR letter to get here made me nothing short of crazy.  Seriously. Most people receive their letters within a few days of getting clearance from Embassy.  Ours took 16 days.  Poor Ryan.  Every evening when I'd get home from school, I'd scoot to the mailbox, and come back into the house with my head down and a big "Hummph, puff, shrug, stomp."  The kids would meet me at the door and usually Tenleigh would shout, "Did Eli's paper come today, Mom!?"  Oh, I'm telling you.  Torture to wait for that thing.  And apparently we're not supposed to contact USCIS about it until we've been waiting for 20 days.  Whatever, man.  That's a very difficult thing to ask a waiting family!  I broke the rules and emailed them on Day 13.  The hold up was due to the Christmas and New Year holiday.  I figured as such, but of course my nerves put me in panic mode and every worst case scenario kept running through my mind.

Honestly, this was one of the trickiest "seasons" for me since our 2nd agency's bankruptcy.  I think part of it was because this is the absolute CLOSEST we've come to bringing home a child, and I just can not imagine losing Eli at this point.  The recent adoption news coming out of Ethiopia has me on "high alert", and the journeys of friends really tug at my heart as well.  I often feel just terrible fretting about our situation, when I know that our friends are deeply worried or anxious or weary about their own situations.

And so through this month I've been trying really hard to remain hopeful and faithful, and allowing God to just do His thing.  But it's not always easy, I must say, when I want things to go in 'my' ways, 'my' timing.

My day of fasting and prayer last week was SO needed and SO good.  Several years ago my mom gave me a prayer box, which I just love.  I write my prayers on cards and place them in the box.  Then when a prayer is answered, I write about God's answers to my prayers on the cards as well.  I love looking back on the cards and being able to write how God has answered some of them.  Some are not answered in the ways I would have expected, but in time I see how His answers were far better than what I could have imagined.

I know I've shared before how I love that the Spirit puts special prayers on my heart -- people that I haven't thought about in awhile, or Scripture, or special words, whatever. Last Monday when I was fasting and praying, I was in the shower and again the thoughts of a "safe place" for Ethiopian single mothers to go came to me.  (It's my understanding that in Ethiopia, single pregnant mothers are often ostracized by their family and left with absolutely no support.  Because of this, many women choose abortion or abandonment for their infants.  It's illegal for them to leave their babies at hospitals or orphanages.)  This absolutely kills me.  I don't understand it.  For several months I've been thinking about a way that I can help these women.  So anyway, I'm sudsing up my hair and thinking about a safe place for these women and I started praying about this.  The words, "a place of hope" came to me.  When I returned downstairs I allowed myself a few minutes to jump on my computer because I was feeling so prompted to search.  This is what I typed into Google: "safe places for Ethiopian single women to have their babies"  That should do it, right?

YES IT DID! Because you know where God led me!!??? To THIS amazing organization.  And let it be known -- the ONLY maternity home for single mothers in Ethiopia! Oh my glory, there were tears as I read through the website.  www.livinghopeethiopia.org.  God spoke many things to me on this day of prayer -- but THIS, definitely took the cake. :)  Later in the evening I emailed the founder of the ministry.  I am so moved by their mission and what they do.  Ryan and I are so excited to get involved with this organization.

During these weary times, I pray and I also spend a lot of time reading and listening to meaningful music.  My favorite Christian music group is Selah.  Love, love, LOVE them!  Their rendition of Be Still My Soul is so beautiful.  I love these words:

Be still my soul: The Lord is on they side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God, to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: Thy best and heavenly friend.
Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul: they God doth undertake.
To guide the future, as He has the past.
They hope, they confidence; Let nothing shake.
Be still my soul.  The winds and waves still know.
His voice Who ruled them, while He dwelt below.

Read it again.

A Day of Fasting and Prayer

Very happy news for our family -- we cleared Embassy on Dec. 27th and are just now waiting to receive our PAIR letter!  This feels SO good.  But yes, still so much nervousness too.  Especially with recent news (as in the day we cleared embassy) we have learned that some Ethiopian officials are trying to shut down adoptions from Ethiopia completely.  Ugh, this just makes my heart hurt and my stomach churn… for SO MANY reasons.  (Perhaps another, rather long, blog post)  But despite this information coming our way, we are moving forward and remain hopeful and excited about the upcoming months.

Tomorrow I'm participating in a day of fasting and prayer for our adoption, and adoptions everywhere. This very thoughtful gesture comes from a fellow church member.  As an adoptive mother herself, she's organized this day to show support for 4 families in our church family, all in the middle of adoptions from Africa.  I am really looking forward to dedicating the day to prayer and clarity.  An added blessing is that because our temperatures are so FRIGID tomorrow, school has been called off.  So this also means a day at home with Johnathan and Tenleigh, and probably more intentional quiet time.  In my quiet time I have much to pray about, and I know that the Spirit will put even more prayers on my heart -- but for now I will be lifting up the following:

For Eli:  
* We lift up thanks for the caregivers that care for Eli and all of the children at his Care Center.

* We offer praise and thanksgiving for Eli’s continued health and steady growth.

* We pray protection and blessings over Eli: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

* We ask God to help prepare Eli for his transition into our family.

* We pray for Eli’s birth family, that they might have peace and hope, and know the love of Christ.

* We pray for peace and joy for Eli as he grows into adulthood.

For Our Family:

* We give thanks for the many people that have lifted us up throughout this process.

* We ask God to help prepare our family for the transition of bringing Eli home, and the “hard work” that comes with creating attachment and trust.

* We pray protection over our paperwork as it makes its way between the United States and Ethiopia, and that it be processed in good hands, in good time.

* We pray for patience and courage and continued hope.

* We pray that God will use our family to advocate for the orphan.

* We pray for guidance as we become a trans-racial family.

For Adoptions, Everywhere:

* We pray for all adoptive and foster families.  God knows their needs.

* We ask God to be in the hearts and minds of the people making decisions for orphan care and adoptions.

* We pray for the 155 million orphans in our world: that each one would have a family.

* We pray for programs and organizations to support foster care, single mothers, and widows.

* We pray that all Christians would “rise up” to defend the fatherless.

In previous posts I've mentioned that Eli's Ethiopian-given name means "Our Hope".  I love that -- Hope.  And every time the word comes upon me, my heart sort of flutters and gives me pause.  This afternoon this verse came up on my computer screen, like a balm to my heart:

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."  Hebrews 6:19-20  

Just a "pinch" of an update!

Very soon I will write a proper post about 2013's blessings, since 2014 is right around the corner!  But for now I am leaving just a tiny little update on where things are at with our process.

Embassy in Ethiopia conducted a special interview with a key person involved in Eli's case.  It was originally scheduled to be on Dec. 11, but due to a very strange circumstance, it didn't end up happening and we were re-scheduled to Dec. 18th.  Things went very well that day! :)  Yay!  I tell you what -- talk about holding your breath!  I emailed our case worker that morning just to tell her that my heart was pounding.  {You know -- so she wouldn't forget to let us know how the interview went! ;)} But praise God that it went well the 2nd time!

We are now waiting on one more piece of completion for the orphan investigation, and I am PRAYING that we hear good news tomorrow from Ethiopia that we've cleared!!

So then what?

Well -- our case will be submitted back to the US for a final processing, which will likely take about 4-5 weeks.  Once we are cleared with that, then we will be submitted to Ethiopia again for a court date!  We are hoping that our court date will be Feb./ March.

I can feel that things are closing in and we're getting so much closer to bringing home sweet Eli!  But with each step in the process, I am still so anxious.  My head and heart are completely consumed with all things Eli or Ethiopia:

* Every morning on our way to school, Tenleigh asks, "what's Baby Eli doing right now Mom?"
* I constantly check the time to try to "guess" what he may be doing at the different hours of the day.  Ethiopia is 9 hours ahead of our time.
* Eli's sweet face is burned in my memory.  But lucky for me, we get monthly pictures from our agency as well as several pictures from other adoptive parents that are already over there and snapping pictures for us!
* The other night while running, I fixated on a van in the parking lot that I was facing.  And I imagined it to be a van that we might see in Ethiopia, with a charming driver, taking us to the care center to meet Eli for the first time.  I went through this scenario a million times in my head that evening, all the while staring at this navy blue van.  But it sure made my run go faster and easier! ;)
* As part of our Christmas baking, Tenleigh and I made Spritz cookies in the shape of Africa!  Spritz cookies!! Ha! ;)  They were pretty hefty Spritz cookies! :)
* I think I've narrowed down the paint color for Eli's bedroom!  And I picked up his bedding earlier this week from my friend Amber!
* I've started to make a to-do list of little things to do and prepare before Eli comes home.

Oh, this wait is gruesome. And yet I must remind myself how blessed I am.  I hear such sad stories about other families' current adoption experiences and my heart just crumbles for them.

Tonight after I ran I came upon Psalm 138:8  "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…"   I find such peace in knowing that God is concerned with everything that concerns me.  I will rest in this promise tonight!

Adoption Blogger Interview!

If there's anything that I think an adoptive momma needs to have, it's an Adoption Doula!!  My great new friend Nancy (whom I've never even been able to meet yet!!) is my on-line doula.  She and I check in with each other every day via Facebook, we are doing this run challenge together, and her family's adoption timeline is following right in line with ours, through our same agency!  It's been a true blessing to have her friendship the last few months.  I really hope to meet her some day... perhaps in Ethiopia!!

And then I have a true, face-to-face doula!  One I get together with often, text daily, pray for and get together with for play-dates/family dates.  I know I've mentioned Esther in other blog posts.  Not only is she a dear friend to me, but she's also a soon-to-be adoptive momma!  We've been through the highs and lows together on this roller coaster ride and I've been so thankful to have her as my "ride along" buddy!  Plus she's a native of Germany and has this incredibly fun accent; not to mention she uses words like "wonky" and has been SO encouraging in my crazy running adventure!

She shared this fun idea with me about doing an adoption blogger interview.  Apparently adoption bloggers can connect and basically 'interview' each other about their personal adoption experiences.  So we decided "Why not!?" and interviewed each other so-to-speak.

Below are Esther's responses to the questions we came up with.  Let me tell you --- this girl has a heart of GOLD!

* Esther, tell us about your family: Bjorn and I met our freshman year in college. I was his German tutor for a year - and the rest is history :) We've been married for almost 10 years and have two beautiful daughters: 4.5 year old identical twin girls Liana and Amaya. Bjorn is a pastor, and I am a part-time fitness instructor/personal trainer and a full-time mommy! I was born and raised in Germany, and we've had the privilege of living there as a couple for a while after we got married.

* Why did you decide to adopt? Liana and Amaya came to us after a painful struggle with infertility, and an even scarier struggle with a life-threatening in-utero conidition called "Twin-to-Twin-transfusion." However, infertility wasn't really what brought us to adoption - I think it just kind of opened our eyes to other ways of growing your family; and the length and cost of an international adoption didn't seem quite so scary after lengthy and costly infertility treatments! Bjorn always had a heart for orphans, and after I started to expose myself to the reality of the devastating conditions in which millions of orphans live today, it really became quite simple in our minds: Here we were, a family with room in their hearts and lives for another child - and there are millions of children without proper nutrition, medical care, and most importantly, someone to love and care for them. So the question wasn't so much: "Why adopt?" - it became: "Why not?!"

* Where are you in the adoption process? We started our adoption journey over 18 months ago, and are currently waiting for a referral of a male child, age 0-2 from Ethiopia - which we are told should come very soon! We know that our future child will have some special medical needs, along with the developmental delays and effects of malnutrition most internationally institutionalized children deal with.

* Do you have any advice for others considering international adoption? - Research! The country you adopt from, the age, gender, special needs status of your child, and maybe most importantly the agency you choose are all very important considerations. There are frequent questions that surface about adoption ethics in certain countries and even adoption agencies, and while you can't believe everything you hear out there (!!), you want to feel as confident as possibly about your choices ... especially when the going gets tough, which it will.

- Prepare! There are so many incredible resources out there for adoptive families and on parenting children from tough places, and while you are in the midst of the seemingly never-ending process of waiting, you want to take the opportunity and arm yourself with the needed skills for the real adventure ahead: parenting your adopted child.

- Surround yourself with uplifting people. The international adoption process might just be the biggest roller coaster you will ever go through in your life, and you might have days when you are wondering how on earth you can go on after yet another set-back, or when you are so worn down by the process that you are wondering if you are even doing the right thing, and that's when you want people around you that support and encourage you.

 - Have faith. Personally, I can't imagine going through this process without my faith - because quite frankly, it is a very scary thing at times! And in the end, I just have to hold on to believing that we're doing the right thing, and that God will see it through for us.

- Lastly, and this is a tough one for all those Type A personalities out there: Get used to the fact that you are not in charge. I jokingly tell people that you'll need to get used to getting jerked around a lot, because that's what it feels like!

* Do you have any advise for supporting people around you that are in the adoption process? Most people will most likely never adopt, and that's ok. Adoption is not for everyone. But almost every person knows someone who is adopting - and chances are, they would love your support! Honestly, we've treasured the prayers of family and friends the most, as they mean so much. But the occassional thoughtful text or e-mail, just letting us know that they are thinking of us, even (and especially) during the long months of waiting has really lifted our spirits. We were completely blown away by the financial support we received from family and friends after our first adoption agency went bankrupt. It was nothing we would have ever expected, but the unfortunate reality is that international adoption is very, very expensive. And to have friends and family help us lift that financial burden lifted a little was a huge blessing.
Also, I think adoptive families might need the biggest support AFTER their children come home. There will be a huge adjustment phase when they will spend almost all of their energy and time helping their new children adjust to life in a family, and I'm sure that's when they would love tangible support like dropped-off meals and the like. The reality is also this: While many adopted children adjust perfectly fine, there are also many adopted children who might have some special developmental and other needs, and it might be a bit of a rough go for the family, which is when they might need friends and family that can love and accept them AND their newest addition just the way they are.

And if you're curious about my responses to Esther at her Little Wonders Blog: http://estherslittlewonders.blogspot.com/2013/12/adoption-blogger-interview.html