"When God winks"

There's a book called "When God Winks" by SQuire Rushnell.  I haven't had the chance to read it yet, but it's on my list!  The preview/summary of the book describes, "How God speaks directly to you through the power of coincidence."  I usually call it a God-incidence, but I love the word "God-winks" so we'll go with that.

For several weeks I couldn't help but feel that God had almost been "radio silent."  I'd pray the same prayers over and over and over. "Please, Lord, move mountains to get such-and-such paper for us…" "Please give me peace of heart today…" "Please Lord, I need something. Give me something. I need to know You've got this…"  I can't even count the number of times that I've sat on the rocker in Eli's room at night, just praying and crying.  And sometimes I'd find myself just sitting on that rocker without any thoughts. Just kind of a numb feeling.  My mind eventually grew too exhausted from the hurdles and obstacles that have been coming at every. single. step -- and my heart eventually grew too weary to feel too much sometimes.  Think "zombie-like" wife/mom/teacher/friend -- all the time.  My poor mom -- having to work with me and share a living space with me!  One evening she just said something to the effect, "I know you've got a child on the other side of the world, but you've got to get yourself together and focus on the here and now…"  Nothing like a swift kick in the pants from Mom! Always seems to do the trick! ;)  And wouldn't you know -- that very night my cell phone completely fried.  No more frantic email checks or frenzied reads on the adoptive Facebook group I'm a part of.  That may just have been a much-needed "God-wink"!

And then I had the privilege of hearing an amazing Ethiopian pastor share 2 different messages in 1 day! He visits our church each year, and I am telling you -- this man is ANOINTED.  There is absolutely no other way to describe it.  I, of course, will not do justice in trying to re-tell his messages. But for the sake of me trying to record this for Eli some day, I'll do my best.

Dr. B's first message was on John 11.  You know the story -- it's the one of Lazarus and Mary and Martha.  Lazarus is very sick and the sisters say to Jesus, "Come quickly!" -- and Jesus comes 4 days later.  4 days later!  How many times do we say this same thing -- "Come quickly!" ?  (This alone gave me great pause.)

When Jesus finally arrived, Lazarus had already died.  The very FIRST thing Jesus did upon arriving was GIVE THANKS to God.  (What!? Give thanks!? For what?? Jesus' very special friend had just died!) We must always look UP and give Thanks.  No matter the circumstances.   And then Jesus said, "REMOVE THE STONES".  Dr. B described the stones as barriers between ourselves and Jesus.  Stones are dry and hard.  (Hmmm…. yup, I've definitely got me some barriers right now. And they're barriers that I've placed.  Anxiety, fear, worry, lack of faith and hope, impatience….) Now by this time, Mary and Martha, and even Jesus' disciples could not understand why Jesus would want the stones removed.  After all, Lazarus had already died.  But Jesus' act of having the stones removed reminds us that if we ONLY BELIEVE, we will see the glory of God in our future.  Everything that we do, should be to bring glory to God!

And then Jesus proclaimed, "Lazarus, COME OUT!"  Dr. B related this to DOING SOMETHING. If you feel a pull, a push, a tug.  Do! Something! The glory of God will be behind you.

And finally, Jesus said, "UNBIND HIM."  In other words, Go. And Do.  The will of God.

AMEN to that!!

Then that evening I went to a smaller service, again with Dr. B.  His message was all about "Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!"  "Trust ME", He says.  God-wink! :)  I was a hot mess.  Like totally and completely.  Tears and mascara were running all the way down my neck. My cheeks and ears were on fire. My nose was running and I had no kleenex! I think at one point I even snorted a little.  But whatever.  I went to Dr. B for prayer and right then and there, I could feel the Spirit move within me and bring me peace. 4 days later we were finally submitted for our 1st court date.

And then -- just a few days ago, I found another God-wink in the form of a sweet gift-wrapped package and card tucked inside our storm door.  The gift -- a beautiful reminder of Our Hope -- and of God's promises for Eli and our family.   From a dear dear friend, that knows all about digging deep for Hope.  My sweet friend -- (you know who you are) -- you lifted me up when I opened this and read your words, and each time I look at your beautiful gift.   I lift prayers for you and yours.  XOXO {But I'd really like to know at what time of day/night you slipped that little package in my door!!} :)

"When God winks, He is reaffirming that there is absolutely nothing about us that He does not know -- our every hurt.  Our every desire.  And that, to me, is very comforting." - SQuire Rushnell

Exciting Anticipation!!

Praise the Lord, our 1st court went well on Tuesday!!  I woke that morning with such peace!  My kinders and co-workers prayed over me the day before.  It was so uplifting.  The cutest were the reactions from my kiddos, "Why do you have black all over your face?" or "I saw Ms. Cindy's tears!" or "Mrs. V, why are you crying!?" :) It was just the sweetest.

Our agency believes that we will receive MOWA approval next week.  Then we get to TRAVEL -- to meet this beautiful boy -- that we've been praying for and aching for, -- for so very long.

I get teary every time I think about the road we've traveled to get here.  The team, the family of people that have been praying for Eli and our family through this.

I'm really at a loss for words.  Our time is SO close!!!  And as soon as we get approval -- we are LEAVING ON A JET PLANE! :)

EEEK!!!! :)

1st Court Date!!!

Whoo Hoooo!!!  Last Thursday we received word that our 1st court date (in which we do not attend) will be on Tuesday, April 15th!!  What. a. relief.  Those 4.5 weeks of waiting to hear was seriously BRUTAL.

I have been so completely checked out these last 3-4 months.  I feel so badly for my family and my mom (because she works with me!), but it's truly something I have not been able to shake away from.  My every waking thought is about this adoption.  This worry, fear, anxiety, and teetering hope is just shaking me to my core.  These are things I've never really experienced -- and it's been such a challenge to let go of everything and "let God be God".

Today is Palm Sunday and the sermon was on HOPE.  It was perfect timing for me to be reminded to give back to Christ, those things which He's already taken for me on the cross: fear, anxiety, micro-managing tendencies…

So between now and tomorrow night (since by the time I awake on Tuesday, the court hearing will have been done already) I will definitely be praying over this court hearing!! -- but I will also be praying for the strength to "Be Still".

Living Hope

Such exciting news for our family to learn that on March 11th we were finally submitted to court! We are so thankful!!  But these last 3 weeks have been really tough, as we've not received any court dates yet, and it's becoming more than disheartening.  (Apparently the court house is moving due to construction going on around the court site, so there are now delays.  And of course we would land in this timing too! :/ ) Truly, I am just feeling emotionally exhausted.  Each little step has brought new roadblocks, and my heart is feeling deflated.  It will be close to 1 year post-referral by the time we finally get Eli home. :(

But I'm trying really hard to keep the faith and hang on to that hope that only God can give.  And I'm learning how to have a living hope.  Through all of our roadblocks, anxieties, fears, and times of impatience.

Which brings me to something very special to my heart.  Living Hope Maternity Home is the only maternity home available for single mothers in crisis pregnancies.  God brought me to this ministry in a very special way in January as I was taking a day of fasting and prayer.  (See January post).  Right then I knew that I was to become part of this maternity home, and it would would become a part of me.  So a  little over a week ago I hosted a "Blessing Party" for the women and babies of the maternity home.  Several very special lady friends and family stopped over for some treats, fun conversation, and to share donations for the Maternity Home that we will bring over with us when we finally travel!

My heart is still swollen thinking of the ways in which other moms came together to bless the amazingly brave Ethiopian moms and their babies!  In a way, I feel that this is was a special way for me to honor Eli's first mommy.  I'm really bummed because I only managed to take a few pictures of our first guests… but I feel so good about the turn out that we had throughout the evening!  I can't wait to deliver these gifts!!!

Tenleigh and Mom helping me sort through some donations!

When we're all done situating, I think we will have 3 suitcases to bring!

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf." (Hebrews 6:19-20)

Happy Birthday, Eli!!

Sweet Boy,

Yesterday was your 1st birthday! And while we weren't able to celebrate WITH you, we had a lot of fun celebrating FOR you!

Some of our closest friends came over and we enjoyed pizza, cake (compliments of one of my kindergarten families!), ice cream, and treat bags!  We celebrated with smiles, laughter and prayers just for you!!

You are so loved, Eli!!

 

          Tenleigh is very excited about her treat bag!

Johnny with a mouthful of treats!

             

Ethiopia's flag colors!

Frosting our Africa-shaped cookies.

            

Tenleigh's cookie!

I love this picture! 3 peas in a pod -- and 1 "cool dude"

His Timing is Perfect...

It is not circumstantial, ironic, convenient, or seasonal.

His timing is simply perfection …  as in, to the exact MILLISECOND.  He leaves nothing out.  His attention to detail is amazing.

You know, when we received our referral in July we pretty much knew that there was 1 particular Ethiopian government letter and signature that would need to be added to our file before time of court.  Our wait for this letter was the most nauseating roller-coaster ride I've ever been on.  Go -- Stop.  Yes -- No.  I'm Hopeful -- I'm Not.  I'm at Peace -- I'm Anxious.  You get the picture.  It was like this for me for 7 months.  And during this whole time of course, my main thoughts were centered around Eli.  We wanted so badly to know him before his 1st birthday (which is next Friday!).  I wanted my maternity leave timing to work out conveniently with my teaching schedule.  The pictures of him growing and changing each month have been celebrated by us over and over -- and yet, each one leaves me hurting because I'm missing his milestones, his personality, his growth.   You maybe have noticed that this wait has become "all about me".  It has been about what I want, what I desire, what I think should happen and when.  And while I KNOW that God has been working and doing and I've been really leaning into Him for hope and faith and patience -- there's just no way that I could have ever guessed how perfectly timed His works have been.  Nor could I have ever guessed the work that He was doing...

I have a very special friend; I'll call her "S".  S has been through far too much heartache in the last few years.  And because of these heartaches, her relationship with Jesus has gone through some seasons.  Her season this year has been much like our Minnesota winter.  Cold with teases of sun, gusty winds that keep us inside, and dips of frigid temps that last way too long and literally leave us "frozen".  But the latter part of this season for her has been as bright as our days when the sun is bouncing off of our pure white snow.  Fairly recently I was with S on one of these days.  We were outside with our kids and I could barely keep my eyes open!  If you're from the Midwest you can appreciate just how bright the snow is when the sun bounces off of it.  It's hard to see on these days.  I couldn't see beyond a few feet in front of me.  But S is much smarter than I.  She had her Songlasses on.

And again she did just 2 days ago when my Songlasses were clouded over with the fog of despair and desperation, tears and frustration and worry.  I couldn't see far beyond "me".  The week before I was feeling such peace and surrender to God's timing and God's will.  But this week once again was just so much harder for me. So I committed myself to being very intentional about tuning in to God's works:

So on Monday, Esther (one of my very best friends and also going through adoption) and I committed to send daily scripture verses to each other, prayer requests, and encouragement.  Nancy (my very special on-line adoptive momma friend) and I determined that we were not going to call or email our agency with inquiries about our letters but rather we'd just wait to hear from them.

I also received some awesome "God winks" this week.  I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn on Tuesday (as in 3:30 am) and found 2 wonderful messages from Ann Voskamp in my Facebook feed.  And on Wednesday my heart was overflowing with love and joy as I sang praise and worship songs with my kindergarteners and other children at our Learning Center during our children's chapel time. There is NOTHING as healing as hearing children sing (read: shout!) these lyrics with SUCH JOY:

"You are the way, the truth and the life.  We live by faith and not by sight…"
"He knows me.  He loves me.  God is listening.  He knows every word before I even say it.  He hears every prayer before I even pray it."
"God is watching, watching over you.  24/7, watching over you.  Your life is in His hands.  He's got great big plans 'cuz he's watching over you."
"Joy unspeakable that won't go away, and just enough strength to live through today.  So I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring.  Cuz my faith is on solid rock and I am counting on God."
"Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged.  For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

We returned from Chapel at about 10:15 and lo and behold, our agency had just emailed that they had received our needed signature. !!! I could.not.even.  COULD.NOT.EVEN!!

Now I need to take you back to my dear friend, S.  I texted her to let her know about this amazingly good news.  Every day for the last several months she has asked about our letter and given me much encouragement in this wait.  Her reply back to me put me in tears and nearly made me drop to my knees.  You see, she went "back to Jesus" the night before and that morning -- PRAYING for us and Eli, BELIEVING SOMETHING IN HER SOUL that she hadn't believed in a very long time.  My friends, I whole-heartedly believe that God was waiting to hear from HER.  My very special friend, whose faith has been understandably shaken -- He was working in HER, through our little adoption journey.  THIS is why we were waiting so long.

And as I told S, I would wait forever if it meant someone found rest in Jesus again.

I share this story with S's permission.  But I am still marveling in awe of God's perfect timing.  He leaves absolutely nothing out.  S's part of our journey is the true miracle in this story.  What a privilege to witness and be in it.

MOWA, Measles, and Moping… OH MY!!

I have sort of been putting off another blog post, because I don't really have anything new to share.  Still waiting on our MOWA letter (it's been a 7 month wait for us thus far) -- and that's needed in order to submit for court.  As soon as we receive it we'll finally be submitted!  For the last month we've been hearing, "this week -- " "next week -- "  We were even given the word "promise" last week, which is a really BIG word to use in the adoption world.  But alas, no letter. :(  I have really been hoping and praying that by some miracle we'd make it to court in March, but I'm not feeling very confident in this any longer. :(  Eli's 1st birthday is March 7th.   I SO wanted to be there around his birthday, to celebrate him and shower love on him.  I guess I can find gratitude in the fact that he knows no different.  I'd rather my heart hurt than his.  But this whole MOWA deal feels likes a big mess, and it leaves me mopey.

So while I'm at it, I'll just mope about a few more things  -- we found out today that Eli has measles.  Good grief.  I can hardly allow myself to think about it too much because I just picture his discomfort and I'm not there to help him through it.  Not to mention there are 11 other little ones in his care center that also contracted measles!  So I'm sure that the nannies really have their hands full!  I will be praying for Eli and his little friends, and all of those caregivers!

February is historically the shortest month -- but I'm telling you, it's been never-ending for me.  My head is stuck in the clouds, my heart is across the Atlantic, and my spirit has been feeling a little deflated.  Much of it, of course, is in relation to Eli and our wait to get to him.  We're SO close (as in relatively few steps to complete) -- but it's sure taking a long time to complete them! But the other part of it is in relation to the state of international adoption right now.  I have read about and heard about enough stories lately that have literally drained the blood from my face and made my jaw drop.  And yet, I almost feel a bit numb to it all too -- because pretty soon -- story after story, the red tapes to go through and hoops to jump, the political agendas, and power trips of government officials and adults -- it sort of becomes 1 big blur. When does it all stop?

So the Lord and I have had a number of conversations lately. :)  Some have been desperate pleas, others have been just tears and no words.  I am SO ready to be on the other side of this.

But here's the thing:  I really don't think I ever will be.  I don't think that I'll be done with my fight for orphan justice when Eli is finally home.  There is a "holy anger" rising up in me, and I know that it will push me forward into action.  I'm really passionate about a special maternity home in Ethiopia and I'm excited to be a part of that.  Part of me is somewhat nervous for our travels to Ethiopia because I'm sure my heart will not want to leave.  When I first prayed the words, "Unsettle me, Lord" so long ago -- I really had no idea what I was saying. And wouldn't you know -- God listened to my prayer and here I am, feeling very unsettled.  Not because of anything that we're waiting on, or the desires of our own hearts.  But because of what I've seen, learned, heard, and experienced through this call to adopt.  I am very unsettled, and I give Thanks for that every day.

On a fun note, Ryan has finished Eli's bedroom!  He worked really hard on that the last month.  I'm so proud of him and the effort he put into it.  I guess this was maybe his way of passing through this time too.  When all of the pictures are up on the walls and the furniture is in I'll post some pictures! :)  I absolutely love it and I can't wait to add laughter, baby squeals, snuggles, story time, wrestling, and messes to the room too.