Where do we go from here?

What in the world just happened!?  And where in the world do we go from here?

I am trying to wrap my brain around this sequence of extremely sad events -- and I'm trying to keep hope in my heart, for something that has been a part of me for 4 years now.  But I have to say, I am having an extremely hard time.

Last night, we were able to have an hour long phone conversation with the Executive Director of our new agency that was given our case.  I just don't even know where to start to explain anything -- and I'm completely exhausted (physically, emotionally, mentally....), so I'll give the nutshell and spare some details.

Our agency went completely bankrupt, did not share all details with new agency.  New agency scrambling to find and understand all cases and dossiers, and other paperwork. All of our money completely gone -- as in $XX, 000 completely gone, never-to-be-seen again.  We are at a crossroads: do we start all over -- paperwork, money, everything everything EVERYTHING -- or face this as the end of our adoption journey?  We really do not have the financial means to continue to invest -- after all, this would be our family's THIRD attempt for a happy ending.  And if we were to start over, we would be paying for our failed adoption, PLUS new one.  That is not possible.

As I type this, my throat is completely closed shut and my eyes are so swollen with tears.  I feel such a loss.  When I lost my first pregnancy,  it was such a loss of a dream, and of hope.  I am re-living that again.  It was very difficult to be at work today.

And yet, there are moments in which I find myself so flippin' ANGRY I want to scream.  I'm angry with our adoption agency, I'm angry that our world has so much corruption, I'm angry that there are BABIES and CHILDREN that do not have FAMILIES, I'm angry that most people don't seem to DO or CHANGE things, even though those things make them "sorry" or "sad" or "surprised", I'm angry that our friends that we love like family are also in this terrible situation and hurting too.

So there it is.  Where in the world do we go from here??