Dear Anonymous...

....  I'm not sure if our family knows you, or if you even know our family.  My guess is yes, but I can't be sure.  I saw your name come up on our donation button the other day, and I cried.


I cried because I am so very thankful for your gift, and I wish you could know just how thankful I am.

I cried because that means we are one step closer to the hope we need to bring our little one home.

I cried because I know that a financial donation is a personal sacrifice for you.

I cried because of the hope you must have for our family too.

I cried because I get to share with our Little Opia that there were many special angels that helped to bring him/her home to us.

I cried because I have to believe that God is orchestrating not just a miracle for our little family, but perhaps He is also orchestrating something bigger, in and through others --  compassion, awareness, selfless love, faith, and hope.

I cried because you join the "Village of Love" of some of our dearest friends and family that have also stepped out in faith for Little Opia.


And so, Anonymous, you will be in my prayers daily.  I lift up words of thanks and blessing for you and yours.  You have become a part of our story, a part of our family, and a part of our child in such a special way.

Thank you, my friend.  From the bottom of my heart.


Ephesians 3: 14 - 21 ...

For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole familya in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

One Step at a Time

I have been re-reading Sarah Young's February 1st devotional page over and over.  (I wrote about it in the "Hope Floats" post).

I love this: "Follow me one step at a time..."

And so that's what I'm trying to do.  Just one step, not the whole mountain.

I think we've narrowed in on an adoption agency. We are hopeful that they are trying to make many things work for us, such as: using most pieces of our dossier, not putting us at the bottom of their wait list, and waiving their application fee.  They've also talked about working with families on an individual basis for financing purposes.  That is a huge sigh of relief.  We don't know what that really could look like, but such a relief to know that they're trying and they're compassionate about our situation.

I've officially gone 5 days with no tears! :)  That's a big step. :) I do have to laugh at myself, because I've felt like a crazy person for the last 2 weeks.  I find myself going from angry to strong to devastated.  My worst times have been the mornings for some reason... and being at church.  That's a tricky one since I work at our church too! :)  There's no better place to be, no better people to be with ... but it's where my emotions flow I guess!

Tonight I am starting to again feel hope and excitement about bringing a little one home!  (Don't ask me the logistics or the hows -- I have no idea :) -- but I'm feeling hopeful and that's very good. Though this experience has brought me to my knees SO many times, I can feel that God is stretching, tugging, pulling, and YANKING me closer to Him. :)  I can't say I love how it feels :), but I do love that I'm getting closer to Him. I feel a little fireball starting to form inside me.  I'm not sure what He's working on, but I do feel something.  There's more for me to do I think.

Ryan and I have been discerning how we're going to secure the funds needed to continue this time.  It has been very very difficult asking for help and support.  But we've had to kind of suck down our pride, and realize that any financial help is not for us, but rather for a CHILD to have a FAMILY.  And we believe whole-heartedly that it is our RESPONSIBILITY to care for the orphans of this world.  And so I guess I can consider it a big step for us to come out of our comfort zones with this; but especially to help raise awareness on the orphan crisis, which I am CraZy passionate about!!

One step at a time is feeling pretty good right now.  I can do this...

Do It Anyway

Our Seniors' pastor left these song lyrics in my mailbox at church the other day.  Love these words:


           DO IT ANYWAY by Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway.

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway.

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway.

This world's gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway.

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway.

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway.

Hope Floats!

My dear dear friend, Esther and I met up for a morning coffee yesterday.  She and her husband are in the exact same boat as Ryan and I with this whole mix of mess and blessings.  (Don't know what I'd be like without her right now!)  She worded this whole experience perfectly, "It's like we're on a hamster wheel..."

This week has been nothing short of completely nuts.  We've learned that our agency's staff in Ethiopia will need to shut down their side of things in two weeks' time; which means we have a two week window to figure out where to have our dossier sent to.  Ideally, we would have it sent on to another agency.  In our work to find an agency, we are learning that: 1) Most agencies will require us to start over completely with fees, paperwork, dossier construction, waiting list... everything   2) Most agencies will not waive any of their fees and 3) All agencies are waiting to hear from the Ethiopian government about re-licensure issues.  Ethiopia is trying to eliminate the "piggy-backing" of agencies; and because agencies are waiting to hear, many agencies will not talk to us about anything until March.  But remember, we need to have this figured out BEFORE March gets here.  And to think, that all is just the paperwork chase!

Then there is the financial chase.  I will be completely honest.  My breath sort of hiccups when I think of this part.  Aside from all of our money completely lost in this (which we will be reminded of every single month as we make that stupid payment), we also are faced with the daunting reality of future fees in order to continue.

We also have a bit of a legal chase.  We know that we will not recover any of our money, nor are we hopeful about it.  But because of the very messy circumstances of our situation (and many other families), and the injustice that has been done, we are seeking legal counsel to give the trustee of this bankruptcy case a clearer picture as to what has happened.  The blessing in this is that there are several of us families doing this together, so our fees are do-able.

So that's the "mess" of my week.... but the many, many blessings is what I'm trying to focus on to keep the hope afloat!

I received the best text message early in the week.  My friend texted, "Friends don't ask why.  Can you please send me Ryan's cell phone number..."  It made me laugh out loud; because knowing my clever friend, I knew she must have had something up her sleeve.  But I never would have been able to guess that she and her husband arranged for Ryan and I to enjoy a Valentine's Day dinner together, while they took Johnny and Tenleigh and created a wonderfully fun and special Valentine's Day for them too, with their own three kids! It was awesome!! :)

Last night my brother and sister-in-law took the kids for the whole night and Ryan and I used Christmas gift cards to go out to eat and slow down for a bit.  So great to have a quiet night!  Nick and Anna -- Auntie and Uncle/Brother and Sister of the Year!! :)

Yesterday we found in our mailbox two very sweet cards from people expressing love and support for us.  So thoughtful and so appreciated!

And the emails, messages, and hugs continue to come.  We are so very blessed.

It is our hope that this week we will be able to make a decision about what our next steps will be.  Tough timing that Ryan will be gone all week -- so let's hope that nothing crazy happens this time while he's gone.  Our track record is not good for this.  Crazy things ALWAYS happen when he's gone.

For Christmas this year a friend gave me a beautiful devotional book by Sarah Young.  Sarah wrote the devotional in the first person, as though Jesus were speaking... and the whole book shares Sarah's personal reflections on certain Scripture verses.  I have been re-reading February 1st's time and time again.  Sarah is reflecting on Psalm 18:29 and Psalm 91:11 ...

Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you.  In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world.  You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights.  Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now.  As I help you get back on your feet, you tell lMe how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead.  But you don't' know what will happen today, much less tomorrow.  Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains.  There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance.  If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb.  I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.
Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My presence.  Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.

Words to Live By...

I think that I remember the first time I experienced my grandma's mind starting to change.  I was staying at the lake with her right after Ryan and I were married. He was on a fishing trip with all the men in my family, and I got to spend time with Grandma!  On my way to the lake, I was in a car accident, and totaled our car.  Grandma was always a crier (good tears, sad tears, always a crier... all of us girls in that family took after her! :). And so it did not surprise me one bit that she started crying on the phone when I called to tell her that I'd be a little late.

When the tow truck driver finally got me to the cabin, Grandma was watching for me at the back porch window, where she would always have her greetings and farewells for everyone.  She was weepy and gave me a big hug.  And then she said, "Oh honey.... just slap on a little lipstick, you'll be fine."  And then she gave me a few little slaps on my cheeks, like she always did.

It made me smile and giggle and kind of raise my eyebrows a bit.  "Slap on a little lipstick?"  I don't recall her ever saying that before... so it seemed a bit goofy to me at the time.  But oh, how those words have been sort of like a mantra time-and-time again, for different seasons in my life.  Grandma was an amazing example of a godly woman, and her "go-to" was no doubt Jesus Christ.  But this little phrase reminds me to stay tough, keep my head high, and press on!  Grandma knew all about that too.  When I'm crabby, I'll remind myself to just "slap on a little lipstick."  When I don't want to do X, Y, or Z... "just slap on a little lipstick..." If someone's really on my nerves, I tell myself to just "slap on a little lipstick and get over it."  Grandma would laugh right now if I could tell her all this.  "Oh, Katie!" I can just hear her! :)


Many many words have been shared with us in the past few days.  Words of encouragement and prayers.  Words from Scripture, and words to remind us of our big BIG God.  I am completely overwhelmed and extremely grateful for every. single. word.  Every one of them.

Tonight as I wrap up my evening, some words are still ringing in my heart:

"Where do you go from here?  You go to your knees."

"God's plan for you outweighs the circumstances of your day."

"Kiss your children.  Love your husband."

"God doesn't miss anything... "

"I will be your prayer warrior..."

"Please let me know if you need anything while going through this."

"God knows your child... nothing has changed."

"Remember, this is not too big for God.

"This whole situation is just messed up.  Messed. Up."

"Praying for your strength and stamina and not to let the enemy win..."

"Do it anyway."


And last but not least, the echoes in my heart of my amazing grandma whom I miss terribly right now.... "Just slap on a little lipstick, honey.  You'll be fine."


Grandma,  I am slappin' on some FIRE ENGINE RED lipstick, and I will not bow out of this fight.

Where do we go from here?

What in the world just happened!?  And where in the world do we go from here?

I am trying to wrap my brain around this sequence of extremely sad events -- and I'm trying to keep hope in my heart, for something that has been a part of me for 4 years now.  But I have to say, I am having an extremely hard time.

Last night, we were able to have an hour long phone conversation with the Executive Director of our new agency that was given our case.  I just don't even know where to start to explain anything -- and I'm completely exhausted (physically, emotionally, mentally....), so I'll give the nutshell and spare some details.

Our agency went completely bankrupt, did not share all details with new agency.  New agency scrambling to find and understand all cases and dossiers, and other paperwork. All of our money completely gone -- as in $XX, 000 completely gone, never-to-be-seen again.  We are at a crossroads: do we start all over -- paperwork, money, everything everything EVERYTHING -- or face this as the end of our adoption journey?  We really do not have the financial means to continue to invest -- after all, this would be our family's THIRD attempt for a happy ending.  And if we were to start over, we would be paying for our failed adoption, PLUS new one.  That is not possible.

As I type this, my throat is completely closed shut and my eyes are so swollen with tears.  I feel such a loss.  When I lost my first pregnancy,  it was such a loss of a dream, and of hope.  I am re-living that again.  It was very difficult to be at work today.

And yet, there are moments in which I find myself so flippin' ANGRY I want to scream.  I'm angry with our adoption agency, I'm angry that our world has so much corruption, I'm angry that there are BABIES and CHILDREN that do not have FAMILIES, I'm angry that most people don't seem to DO or CHANGE things, even though those things make them "sorry" or "sad" or "surprised", I'm angry that our friends that we love like family are also in this terrible situation and hurting too.

So there it is.  Where in the world do we go from here??

A Perfect Storm

"A perfect storm of circumstances that has made it difficult and in some cases impossible to continue..."

As I read the words on my computer my eyes became blurry with tears and I pulled the cover down on my laptop.  I could not read the whole thing at once.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Look again.

"Our struggle to adapt and survive under new conditions..."

Breathe in, breathe out.

While I was in college I had the opportunity to sing in a choir for all the years I was there.  Like high school, I loved every minute of it -- especially the people with whom I came to know.  But the music was (and still is) very important to me as well.  I have many songs that rank at the top of my list; it's hard to choose a 'favorite' when you've been blessed by literally hundreds of pieces.  But one particular piece has always been one of my favorites.  We sang it at one of our choir friends' funerals, we sang it at the conclusion of several concerts, we recorded it to CD.  There was always one specific line from that piece that I really really loved.  It slowed me down.  It brought the music INTO my heart, and FROM my heart.  It gave me pause.


"No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging."


In my mind, I always sang: "... while to that Rock (note the emphasis) I'm clinging."


Yesterday our family, and many many others (including very dear friends of ours), received the very sad and totally and completely shocking news that our adoption agency has filed for bankruptcy and is closing their doors effective immediately.  The door has been closed on yet another attempt to our Baby Opia.  A perfect storm.

Oh my heart! The sadness came fast but gentle -- after all, there's nothing we can do about it.  But oh the sadness I feel not just for our family and friends (known and unknown), but also the CHILDREN with whom our agency worked, in multiple countries., and the STAFF that depend on this work.

Our family does not know what exactly this means for us.  We do know that our 'case' has been transferred to another agency.  We are very anxious to speak to them very soon.

My Ryan -- his faith is so steady.  "This is just another part of our story, our journey.  It's still in God's hands."  (Do you see why I love this man!? :)

And so I cling to the words from one of my favorite songs:

"No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that ROCK I'm clinging. While Love is Lord o'er heaven and earth... how can I keep from singing?"

And my momma -- to her words I will also be clinging: "Turn it over, hon!  Trust and know that it will be good.  Get out of the way!"  (Do you see why I love this woman!? :)

Yes Mom, I hear you.  I am laying it down.